Thursday, July 2, 2015

My Broken Brain

Mental health issues are horrid. Having a rough time lately. Trying to put my thoughts into words is hard. Feelings are sometimes not something we can put into words. They just ARE. As is our way these days I mentioned on Facebook and Twitter that I wanted a few things. I say these things not for attention or trolling for "I love you's", but to try to put the way I am into words.

I want a friend I can call and just cry and cry, Just sit on the phone and sob. I need a friend to just show up and say I am here. I know you need me so here I am what can I do? I want this, I NEED this. Unfortunately this is how my mind works:

You will say call me anytime, you will mean it. I will hear, "Call me anytime except when you really need me then I will be busy entertaining the Duchess of Alagonia and Larry the Cable Guy." So I won't call in fear of disturbing you.
You will say, "Let's get together for lunch." I will nod and smile. What I hear is "Let's get together. Except for when you need me. Because on that day I will be too busy cleaning cars for the not so rich in order for them to fit in at the country club." So I won't call in fear of disturbing you.
You will say "I'm coming over to see you". I will immediately panic because my house is not pristine and I have no delicacies to offer you. I would rather hide in the closet than open the door.

This is how my damaged mind works. My psyche is a bit off kilter. I am sure to be my friend is quite a challenge. IF you see the way I am. Most people see me as the one who listens. Who is there no matter what the crisis, no matter what the time. The one who shows up and listens to you cry and sob. The one who texts words of encouragement during difficult times. I write on your facebook page with every sad word from you or happy occurrence in your life. I can be a great friend to you. It is hard to be your friend when I am in need. It is not you, it is me.

I am broken. In so many ways. Lately the darkness is getting the upper hand. Anxiety and Panic are hanging around no matter how many mean things I say to them. I told Panic she was getting a little thick around the middle and her gray was showing. That bitch is still here! I cry in my bedroom by myself. Then I go out and face the world putting on my fabulous person face that most people expect to see. I huddle on the floor in the dark so no one can see me when I am in full on panic mode crying and shaking. I get up and wash my face, slap on some war paint and hope no one is the wiser.

One day there will be someone who is like me and will see the me I don't show. Who will just KNOW. Someone who will just barge in to my home and make me see them. Someone like me. I only hope I will hear her and not my broken brain. Someday. Someone. And maybe she will even introduce me to the Duchess of Alagonia, I hear she is a hoot!

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