Saturday, August 30, 2014

I am angry!

So I probably should not be writing. Eh to hell with that. I am pissed. I have had a few months of hell. Well more than the usual hell my life is. Due to several extenuating circumstances I find myself in strange, yet familiar territory. Too much month and not enough money. For the first time in a very, very long time I am struggling to pay my rent. Playing the will it get put through the bank before I get my paycheck or after. Will it cost me an overdraft fee or not. The fee to the bank is much less than the fee the management co will charge me. Lesser of the 2 evils. I suppose. I think back to before when we were much younger and struggling so very much. Two children, a dog and 2 cats, an addiction issue, and me without a real job. Bills so high we had to just walk away from them. Those were my fault. I have an issue with shopping. I have worked really hard to face it and keep it from happening again. I can't start over again. I am like so many in this country. Dancing on that line of almost being homeless. Will we pay the power or the water bill. Internet or cable? Which one goes? How did we go backwards? How did I let this happen? My BFF is unavailable to me since she is currently fighting her own demons. I can be her cheerleader. But I need one of my own. Hubby is going through this with me, but he has his own issues to deal with. My parents were my safety net. Emotionally, spiritually, and even monetarily sometimes. I am an orphan. I miss them so much! No one to rescue me. I suppose I am going to have to learn to rescue myself. I know things will not stay this way. His job will pick back up. I will be more aware of his job and it's up and down ways. I will put more money away, or not pay triple to my credit cards. I will keep looking for a better job. I have a plan. I'm just worn down. I give to others so much I don't have much for myself left. I just want to cry and have someone to put their arms around me and remind me it will be OK. My uncle used to say in these type rough times, "you're just making memories!" Well Uncle Bob I have a lifetime of memories, can I just not have any more? I should probably not publish this. I know everyone is going through their own personal private hells. But just maybe knowing that there are others out there struggling, too, yet not giving up will help to keep us all going! I would love to stay here and have a meaningful moment of singing kumbaya with you all, but the cat just peed on my bed. Apparently I need to do laundry.

No comments: