Sunday, July 6, 2014
The Bloggess tells me that depression lies. I believe her, I believe it. There are other things that I believe about depression. Some of us with it are very good at pretending. I pretend to be well. A lot. I am in customer service. Now do you really want your cashier to tell you that she hates everyone and everything? Or that she feels like death that day? No you don't and neither do I. So I tell everyone I am fine, just peachy. I smile, laugh and joke with folks. My outside and my inside are on different planets. I pretend with my family. You would think those closest to you can figure it out. But really everyone is dealing with their own stuff so they don't notice what I think they should. I deal with my ups and downs as best I can. Sometimes I can even lie to myself and pretend I am fine. I don't know if anyone is ever "fine". I have faded away from people and they don't notice. I wonder if one day I will just fade away from everyone and everything. Just be a total hermit. But my house is not my haven either. Probably a good thing. If it was I could comfortably stay inside and not deal with anyone or anything. But it isn't and I can't. I choose the next best way out. I sleep. And sleep. Only getting up for a few minutes to take care of my animals. They are innocent bystanders in my depression war. I have to get up and feed and water them. They have to have their needs met no matter what my needs feel or think. I wonder what would happen if I did not have them, would I get up at all? My family is able to take care of themselves. In fact some times I would not eat at all if not for my husband or son. I tell myself I am tired from a tough week. But really I just don't want to deal with anything. I want to escape. I sleep. I dream. I wallow in my darkness. Eventually though I have to get up. And that is when the guilt kicks in. I am sleeping away my life. I will get up. I will do laundry. I will get some things done. I will pretend. When all I really want to do is crawl back in my bed and cry and sleep some more. I wonder how many of us are going through our lives pretending? I wonder if I am missing the people fading away from me. Tomorrow I will get up and go to work. I will pretend. I am very good at it. But maybe I will open my eyes a bit more and see if I can tell who else is pretending. Maybe I can recognize a kindred spirit. Let them know I see their pretending and I see their pain. I know they are not "fine". Maybe I can help them. Maybe we can help each other. And then I will take a nap.