Thursday, July 31, 2014
I Am A Huge Liar
I am a huge liar. I pretend every day that every thing is great and wonderful. I pretend I am happy all the time. I pretend that my life is just fabulous. It is all a LIE. My life sucks. I am very rarely actually happy. I enjoy my pets and my family. But happiness eludes me. I am tired. I am tired of trying. I am tired of being the one person in the room who will have the cake fall on them. The person who is doing nothing wrong but will suffer the biggest loss. The horrible. nasty troll will actually be rewarded for being the horrible nasty troll and I will get a rock thrown at me. This is my reality at the moment. It is dark and evil. I want to crawl in my hole and stay there. People should stay away from me. But they won't because I am counted on to make things better. To fix things. To rescue them when they need rescuing. To right the wrongs. I do all these things, and really I don't mind. I love to help. It gives me moments of happy times. But who is there for me? Who rescues me? I usually rescue myself. I have to pull myself out of the mud. NO one realizes that sometimes I need help or rescuing. People have gotten angry at me for the times I am not happy! As if I have no right to have a bad day. So I don't let myself have them. I go on as if I am the happy little ray of sunshine they want me to be. Until I can't anymore. As I sit here crying, well crying for the last hour and a half, it occurs to me I just can't be that person any more. I can't lie and pretend it is all roses. Because it is not. For me it is thorns and weeds. Weeds that burn my skin. Thorns that cut to the bone. I give folks money when they are in need. I give them food. I make sure they get their needs met. But I have no guardian angel to make sure my rent is paid or that I have food on my table. I have to make sure my needs are met all on my own. I lie and say it is all fabulous. But it really isn't. I can't lie anymore. I am not fabulous. I am not happy. So don't ask me how I am anymore. I won't lie. Not anymore.