Saturday, February 1, 2014

Change is scary

Time to move on. I suppose. This is not about Momma or Daddy. This is about the loss of my job. Not just any job. My favorite job. I LOVED that job. I had the best co-workers and a boss that (I thought) was great. Yes I worked too many hours. Yes the stress was literally making me ill. And I loved it. Til it ended. One day I went to work and boom I was terminated. The reasons were valid on paper. Against company policy. 2 policies that are either not enforced or loosely done. No one has ever been fired for either before. I did not fight it. I should have. I just did not have it in me then. It was devastating. I had just admitted that I needed help in processing all the grief I had experienced over the past year. I had made my first appointment with a grief counselor. I had started some meds for the depression and anxiety. I thought I was on the right path to get well AND do my job much better, too. I forget that emotional issues or illness are still so taboo to admit to in this country. I confided in my boss and it was not long after that I was termed. Now that I am clear headed about most things I see a lot of problems I had that stemmed from that place. The stress was horrible. Stress that was put on me and stress I put on myself because I knew they were really pushing me. Only I didn't see that the pushing was to push me out. The new District Manager did not like anyone who was promoted right before he took over the district. He was making changes almost weekly to my job descriptions. Even a person who was not suffering from some emotional stressors would have had problems! I took a month to get over the shock. Thankfully I still have some wonderful friends who used to work there and are now in positions elsewhere who could help me out. Thank you so much Matt! I am now in a new and better company. With 1/2 the hours and less than 1/2 the money. None of the stress! I am so much happier. Healthier and happier. And yet I still think of the old place and actually feel pained at heart. I miss it so much. Even now. Even after all that happened. How to move on? I am not sure. Part of me is still angry. Angry for being treated so horribly. Angry at the unfairness of it. Angry for the income loss. I have opportunities I wouldn't have had if I was still there, like attempting a new business on my own. I still miss it. I see my household is happier and calmer. I still miss it. That is the part that is still holding on somehow. It want's justice. Want's revenge even. How can I feel settled about this? I am not sure. I think I just need to be heard. I think I need people to know how they treated me, how they treat others. That may not be the smart thing for me to do, but let's be honest when have I been one to do the smartest thing? Umm almost never. I know you can't fight city hall and all that kind of stuff. But just maybe letting my tiny voice be heard will be the closure I need to move on. I don't want to start a movement or any boycotts. I just want this company that wants to have a reputation for about it's employees and customers to be shown for their true self. UnC.A.R.Eing. Do I want that job back? Part of me is screaming YES. The part I listen to is saying no. I am much better in so many ways to not be there. And this is why I need to find closure. Deal with this loss. Deal with all the changes it caused, both good and bad. Move on. It's time. Change is a good thing. I hope.

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