Thursday, February 6, 2014

Finding my "happy"

*I am not feeling 100% so this post may be a bit "off" due to the effects of the fever and cold medicine.* I am finding myself in such new territory so often lately it is scary. Exciting and scary. While speaking with my counselor this past week I actually said that out loud. I feel almost like I could say the word happy. That word has been banished for so long from my vocabulary. A little over 5 years ago when my world stopped. Momma fell and broke her hip. I spent that first night in the hospital with her. That is when things changed. Life was full of so many more downs than ups in these past 5 years. Now I am seeing some good things. Seeing even a few more coming towards me. And I am terrified. It is not normal to me. I am so used to the knockdowns and knockouts that these uplifting things feel wrong somehow. I feel like looking around to see who they are really meant for. Since they can't be for me. I am not deserving of the good stuff. The dark has been my friend. The light has not. Taking chances is also so new to me. I have always played it safe. Analyze and over analyze stuff to death! To be attempting a new business on my own?! What am I thinking? Diving right in, not thinking and thinking about it. Studying it. Telling myself it is not the right time or the right thing. It is not for me to do, let someone else do it. I'm not qualified. I can't. Making the leap to I can. How much time have I wasted? How many of those I can'ts could have been I cans? Who knows. Maybe they were not meant for me. This is my time. This is the true one for me. You always hear "find your passion". I never knew what that truly was. I thought it was one thing or another. Turns out it was simmering inside. Something from my childhood. Who I am is who I was. The little girl out in the desert hunting for lizards and snakes. Just a small part of my childhood. But there it is. I love my reptilian babies. I wish I could have a houseful. But that is not a good idea. Know your limits. So next best thing is to take care of other people's babies! That kernel of an idea has been inside. Just waiting for the time when I was ready for it. So here we go. I am diving headfirst into being a small business owner! The only thing holding me back is what usually holds people back. Money. I am going about some inventive ways to get funding. No matter what I am doing this. I. Am. Doing. This! Ignoring the little voice inside that says I can't. Ignoring other people who either verbalize that sentiment or just say it silently with their eyes. The positive is scary and I am living in it. I will move forward. It is time for the "happy" to come back to us. To come back to Me.

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