Tuesday, January 7, 2014
For most people January 1 is the beginning of the new year. For me it will be January 12. I made it through the first year without Momma. In a few days it will one whole year since the worst day of my life. The beginning of the worst year of my life. I can't believe it. I can't believe I survived. At that moment in that hospital room when my life came crashing down I thought I would die of the horrific pain. My heart hurt so much I felt like it would shrivel up like an old raisin. People say you will feel better, time heals all wounds. I wanted to scream at those people then. I thought there is no way I will ever feel right again. That the pain would ever subside. We were both right. I am having days of happiness. I can think of Momma at times and smile. Some days I cry all day. Some days the pain is so intense it is as if it happened yesterday. I want to apologize to anyone I thought should "get over it already" or even worse I actually SAID that to. How dare I think I knew how they were feeling. I hope that the people who thought it of me, still think it, or have actually said it to me never have to feel the horrible pain of losing someone so very dear to you that you can't imagine life without them. I have learned there is no "right" thing to say to someone grieving. There is nothing to say that can lessen that type of pain. The people who did the most for me never said anything, just held me while I sobbed, or held my hand and let me just be sad. Those kinds of friends are few and that makes them that much more special. In those first days after Momma left me forever I really don't remember much. It is a blur. I know people were talking to me, trying to comfort me. I know I got up every day and even went to work. Looking back all I see is pain and sorrow. I checked out for several months. Grief is funny though, it won't let you hide from it forever. It will sneak up on you. It hit me like I ran full speed into a wall. I had an emotional break. I lost my job. I lost my daddy to dementia, almost like he passed away too. I think I understand "rock bottom". Beginning to crawl back up to the surface, it is a slow and winding path. I am so thankful for some very dear friends. You truly discover who is a true friend when tragedy hits. Amazing how family can turn and not be there for you. Even being extremely hurtful. I am trying very hard to forgive these people. It is not harming them in any way for me to hold on to this hurt. It is only hurting me. Another lesson learned this year. I will keep moving forward. Picking up the pieces and finding a new path. I will never be the same person I was 12 months ago. Maybe that is OK. I have found an inner strength I never knew I had. I am not afraid of making changes in my life now. If I can survive this past year I can do anything. Momma might be gone, but she is still teaching me stuff.