Sunday, December 2, 2012
Been a very long time. I am back. At least I think I am. How would you really know? Maybe I am an impostor. No, there is no one who would like to be me. I am slowly finding my way back to the life I had. Before the darkness of depression enveloped me. Before the panic attacks became part of my daily existence. Although my family was quite entertained by my ranting and raving about not being able to find my earrings so therefore we can NOT go to dinner, and "stop staring at me" as I curl into the fetal position on the floor. Oh yeah they loved it. Reading the Bloggess's wonderful blog and book has helped me come to terms with my mental health issues and emboldened me to speak up about them. I'm me. Only slightly broken, a little cracked and fabulous. My humor seems to be still intact and still leans to the dark. My mother is still dealing with her broken hip and shoulder after effects. She has dementia now, too. Actually that has been going on for a while, even before her fall. She is medicated and it helps, but we have to face the fact that this is it, she will not get better. In fact one day she will get worse. This part just sucks. My 85 year old father is still so sharp! He is now lifting weights with my brother and son. It is amazing how strong he is. Makes the mom stuff that much sadder. I know he envisioned them traveling and enjoying their twilight years before her fall. Now he can't even leave to go to the store unless someone is there to make sure she doesn't fall. Before. That word has a lot of meaning to me these days. I describe events as "before Mom's fall" or "before I went crazy". OK well not crazy as in "we the people find the defendant" crazy, but "I can't leave my house for no apparent reason" crazy. It's time to change my way of thinking. No more befores. Just it was and now it is this way. Looking back is not always helpful or healing. I need to look forward. Comparing time is not accurate. Hindsight is 20/20 doesn't apply. We seem to see the past in those lovely rose colored glasses. Mom was ambulatory before the fall, but she was also very contrary and even had moments of being outright mean. She caused several family members to cry over her nasty comments. Daddy was drinking to deal with it, (was, as he is now sober again). The mom we have now is not like that. She is sweet and funny again. Of course sometimes she has no idea who you are, but hey that is part of the fun of dementia. You can be someone else for a day! Tomorrow I think I will be Samantha from Bewitched. I'll let you know how it goes.