Friday, June 26, 2009

Good in Bed

I have just finished Jennifer Weiner's book, Good in Bed. I know I am a bit late coming to the table on this one, but WOW what a fantastic book. I started with her 2nd book, In Her Shoes. Which I also loved. The movie was good, but the book was great. I then read Little Earthquakes another wonderful book. I don't know exactly why I didn't read this one before now, but I am glad I waited. If you are not familiar with this story it is about Cannie, a plus size woman in our non accepting plus size world. She has real life problems that are not just about her weight. She has people who love and adore her, men included. And the end is not the usual fairy tale, it is real and it is fantastic. Now why was now a better time to read this book? Because for the first time in my life I weigh a number that destroys me. It is on my mind constantly. I have been big before, even considered myself heavy, but nothing like this. These numbers in my clothing are so foreign to me. I don't see me any more, I see X's and number spinning scales, I see lumps and bumps and bulges. As if I am no longer me. No longer worthy because I am no longer a size 6. Not smart or funny or witty or beautiful or sexy any longer. I used to be able to say "Whoa Nelly" and pull back on the caloric intake, do some exercising and the weight would fall off. Now that I am *ahem* over forty it is proving quite difficult. To be honest I have almost given up. Given up, but not accepted. Given up and berated myself for becoming, in my eyes, ugly and horrible. While not heavy as a child, in fact at quite the opposite end of the spectrum, I was nonetheless, teased. Skinny jokes and taunts hurt, too. Oh I had so many other delightful physical issues to fuel the taunters. Horribly crooked teeth, then braces--the old fashioned mouth full of silver ones with the fancy headgear, glasses and bad skin. Oh I was a beauty! I could relate to the feelings she had regarding her tormented childhood and teen years. Pain is pain. After turning that last page, I realized that I need to not hate myself because I am still me. I am just a bigger version of me. I did not become some lobotomized monster or hideous ogre. Did Shrek teach us nothing?! So I thank you Jennifer. I thank you Cannie. Because tonight I see myself in a new light. A bright clear light. I am me. In this size. In this skin. I am smart, funny, witty and yes, even beautiful and sexy. I vow to not listen to the message from society any longer. I don't have to be thin to like myself. I don't have to have a flat stomach and non jiggling thighs for you to like me. If you choose to not know me because of the number inside my jeans then you are missing out on something wonderful. Do I still wish I was thinner, H*** ya! Is my diet journey over? No. But not for the reason of being thin. Not to like myself. Not to validate my reason for existing. I just need to be healthy. And the healthy size for me just may not be rail thin and that is something I am OK with. I am beginning to be OK with.

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