Friday, July 29, 2016

The Facade is Cracking

I have recently been asked by a couple of people if I was angry with them. Had they done or said something wrong. I had no idea what they meant. I hadn't responded to calls or texts. Oh, I said no I was not mad or upset with them. I am fine. (Crack.) No really I am just busy. (Crackle, chunks falling off.)To be honest, I don't respond to most texts. And forget reaching me by phone. My dear friend anxiety and I don't accept phone calls where I have to actually speak to a person! It seems I am not the actress I thought I was. My, "I'm fine" facade is cracking. My inner trueness is showing through the cracks and gaps. You know what?  I AM angry. Not with these friends. I am angry with everyone. Everyone who still has their beloved family members, because mine are gone. Everyone who is going about their lives and I am stuck so deep in grief I can barely move. I am angry with my depression and anxiety that keep me from doing things. I am angry that there are days I can't get out of bed or leave my house. I am angry that all I can seem to do is work. At work I can forget everything. I am good at my job. I love to help people. My facade is complete there because they don't know me. They accept me as I present myself to them. They have their own life issues to deal with. I am there to listen to them when they need to talk about their life, loves and losses. I can truly empathize with them on many of these subjects. I can connect with them without any long term emotional investment. I hope I help them. If only I could help myself. I know that anger is part of the grieving process. I seem to be stuck in it right now. I apologize to all of those in my life because I don't see my way out any time soon. The facade is cracking and breaking. I hope I can hold it together before it all crashes away and I am left as nothing.

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