Wednesday, May 28, 2014

It's me. It has to be me.

I am a pretty open book when it comes to my personal life. I am open about my issues. I have major depression, panic attacks and anxiety. I am medicated. I have a problem keeping such things to myself. If the situation arises I will be honest and open about this kind of stuff. I can, however, keep other's secrets. I think I am a good person, a great listener and nice to everyone. People seem to be drawn to me to tell me their problems. It happens all the time. Total strangers telling me innermost secrets. I thought this made me a good friend. Since I have maybe one person I can call a friend at the moment (and that is a bit of a sticky situation), I have to wonder if it's "me". I mean if someone is constantly complaining about not getting a job even though they have a lot of interviews you start to think maybe it is them. I mean ALL the jobs can't be discriminating against them, can they? So if I apply this rule to myself it becomes apparent that the problem lies with me. I am the person who people can call at 3:00 am when they have a crisis. I listen. Every time. As I sit here in a crisis of my own I realize I don't have anyone I can call at 3:00 am. There is no one to listen to me cry or rant or whatever. Why? What is it about me that makes me a giver and my "friends" all takers? How come I don't have a taker? Is it because I put up such a grand front of being OK all the time? To most of the outside world I appear happy go lucky. I can fake a smile like no one else. My depression is mine and it is hidden most of the time. When I am having a bad episode I tend to over do it with the outside "I am happy" facade. I would think since I can sense when someone is having a bad time no matter what their outside face shows that others can see my act for what it is, an act. I am wrong. Tonight I have self harmed. I have done it a little lately. No one knows. I am telling this to the world for the very first time. My therapist didn't even know. I am hurting and there is no one to tell. There is no one who notices. I have had some bad thoughts tonight. Not that I would ever do it, but I did have a moment of wondering the what if. What if I was no longer here? Who would notice. Outside of my children and husband the rest of the world would go on. It is for them I would never do anything drastic. I am just devastated that there is no one to tell this to. So I am telling the internet and those few who actually read the drivel I post here. I am hoping that saying it out loud so to speak will help me in my journey to fix me. My mother said to have a friend you must be a friend. Apparently I do that wrong. The way I am a friend does not make others be my friend in the truest sense of that word. Oh sure there are people who give lip service to me by saying they will be there for me, but it has been my history that it is not the case. When I really, really need someone they are no where to be found. So it is me. It has to be me. Damn. I suck. It is 3:04 am and I am sitting here crying at my computer. Talking to no one. But I do feel a little better. Maybe tomorrow will be better. As the Bloggess says, "depression lies". Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up in a better frame of mind. Perhaps I will wake up and realize I don't need anyone else. That I am enough. I will be my own best friend. Of course that makes that 3:00 am call a little awkward.

No comments: