Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Forgive and forget?

You should know going into this post that I am not a nice person. Be warned. Dealing with the whole forgive and forget thing lately. I know it is not healthy to hold onto grudges. It is the whole I'm drinking poison and waiting for them to die thing. I have a new outlook on things since I lost Momma. There are things that really are not that important after all. Stress is a killer. It causes all kinds of physical maladies. Headaches, stomach problems, digestive issues, etc. Yep I have them all. It is not worth it. Letting something have that kind of power over you? So someone cut you off on the freeway, so what. A guy cut in line in front of you at the supermarket with a huge basket full. And? Did it cause you physical pain? Well maybe if he ran over your foot, but that usually doesn't happen. If it does maybe you have more problems than just a supermarket delay. Where were we? Oh yeah, these little things are just that little things. Yet in our minds we blow them waaaay out of proportion. And we talk about them. To EVERYONE. And then they tell us about their little issue that they are making into a huge mountain. Pretty soon everyone is all worked up about what? NOTHING. Really. A minor inconvenience or a slight to our person is worth all this ranting? How much nicer would it be to come to work and hear about the beautiful sunrise your co- worker saw. Or tell them about the lovely dinner you had the night before. Start the day with a calm story and a cup of coffee. Of course there are the really big affronts to us that happen. I am not saying that we forgive all nilly willy. (My inner 12 year old boy is giggling...willy...). There are things that need to be acted on. There are serious things that others need to be held accountable for. What about the crime victims who forgive their attackers? It is not for the attacker. It is for the victim. It gives us the power back. We decide what or who will cause us to have pain. We decide to have a say in how we feel everyday. I tell people that I decide to wake up happy. It is not always easy. It is always worth it. Here is where I am the horrible person. I have not practiced what I preach. I have a grudge I have been holding onto since Momma's death. I not only hold on to it. I will tell you about it. I need you to tell me I am right! I need to be validated that yes, this person was horrible to me. I have actually dealt with this person in an unfair manner regarding a debt. I realize that I am doing it to make them hurt. I WANT them to feel pain. To feel pain like they made me feel. I have never wanted to physically hurt someone like this. Wanted revenge like this. What does that say about me? Yep I am a horrible person. I know it. I can say it. I KNOW I should be a bigger person. It occurred to me tonight while telling this sad story to someone just how petty I am. How pathetic it sounds. I saw in their eyes that they saw it, too. It's time. I took steps to deal with it. I also realized that I don't have to think about this person at all. I never really have to deal with them again. I know they were horrible. I doubt they even realize that they are a horrible person. I can never really truly make them feel the pain they made me feel. So I should not try. I should let them go. In doing so I am freeing myself. I can go on with my life and not have to relive this. Maybe one day they will feel the amount of pain I did. Maybe not. It is not for me to say or do. It is just for me to go on about my life. To be the best person I can be. To be happy. For me. This is the gift I am giving myself. Tonight I am free. It's terrifying.

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