Thursday, March 6, 2014

Endings and Beginnings

Yesterday my counselor declared me sane. Just kidding. She declared me ready to go out and face the world on my own. I have the tools and now I just have to remember to use them. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I am proud of the progress I have made in 4 months. It seems like that was a lifetime ago. In this short time I have changed. At first I wanted to be the person I was before my little breakdown. I realize now that I will never be that person again. Momma's death changed me. I am me, but a new me. A better me. I hope a me that she would be proud of. I still miss her everyday. I still have moments when grief will just flow over me like a waterfall, but I don't let those moments stop me. I keep going forward. I read about the stages of grief. I am not sure I believe that. I believe I am experiencing grief in different ways every day. Some days it is just a thought. Other days it may be a smell and I am taken back to a memory. The memory may make me cry like a baby or smile. Is this what it means to "move on"? Four months ago I did not believe that was something I could do. Ever. And now here I am. We are a resilient bunch us humans. Things that seem to be so horrific and overwhelming are things we can deal with and handle. It may take time. It may take assistance. It may take medication! But we do it. We move on. Time does not stand still for us. People are living their lives all around us. I have had so many endings in the past year, it is now time to concentrate on the beginnings. I said I am not the same person I was. I said I reinvented myself, but that is not accurate. I found a new way to be me. I found my confidence, my inner strength. My counselor said she was proud of me. You know what? I am proud of me, too. I am not done with this journey. Life is ongoing and this journey will be continuous. If we can believe we are going to make it through, we will. I have surprised myself. Starting a business? Me? Really? If it takes off, great. If not I think that is OK, too. Just the fact that I attempted it is amazing. I wish everyone can see that the end is not the end, there are so many beginnings that come with every ending. We just have to look for them. Sometimes they are hidden, but the search is so worth it. I hope this is the start of lots of beginnings. I am prepared for endings. Well as prepared as one can be for the unknown and unexpected. Just keep thinking of all the beginnings we have yet to come.

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