Tuesday, January 21, 2014

It never goes away

We had a tragedy here in our house tonight. My chameleon, Bitsy, passed away. She was looking a little dehydrated yesterday and I turned her mister on a little higher. Thinking nothing of it more than, "well I can take her to the vet Wednesday since it is my day off." Only Bitsy didn't make it to tomorrow. She died tonight, in my hands. I am so upset. More than just upset at losing a beloved pet. Inconsolable upset. I called my Oldest. We talked a while, well he talked I sobbed and garbled what could pass for words...in English...maybe. When I said, "why didn't she fight?" I realized it wasn't about a chameleon it was about Momma. Again. I wanted her to fight so damn hard that last night. Even though I said to her to go ahead and go to sleep. Even though I knew she was tired. Even though I agreed to stop the medication and the interference by doctors. I wanted her to fight. I wanted her to stay here. With me. I am suddenly filled with such anger again. I want to yell and stomp and scream, "why didn't you fight?!!!!". And yes, I know how that sounds. It IS irrational. It is crazy. But it is real. It is how I feel. I am not as afraid to feel now. I am letting it come. It is, as they say coming in waves. Sometimes the waves knock me down. Sometimes they just wash over me a little. After my crying abated, I could see and hear my mother talking about me and my animals. And I smiled. Momma loved her cat, Sooling and her bird Charlie, but she really didn't get me and my deep devotion to all things living. Especially the reptilian sort. And the Rat. Good grief she hated that rat. I LOVED him. I was 5. He was a large white rat with red eyes. Named Ben. (Hey it was the 70s and that was a big movie I didn't know he was the villain. Don't judge me!)  I remember taking him out of his cage to nap with me. Only one day he didn't nap. He got out of my room and down the hall to the living room. Momma was not impressed. Sadly Ben had to go. I was devastated. I have had many different pets over the years. Most times she would just shake her head and make that little tut tut sound about them. And smile. During my rant tonight, I asked when does it stop? My kid told me it never does, we just carry it around with us. Inside us. Forever. And some times it comes up to smack us around a bit. And other times it makes us smile. He is pretty wise for a 24 year old kid. Tonight it did both. I guess as long as the smiles keep coming I will keep hanging on. I will keep fighting. Tomorrow we will bury dear Bitsy and I will continue to take care of my remaining zoo. When I am ready to get something to put in Bitsy's empty cage I will listen for the "tut tut", and I will smile.

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