The Facade is Cracking

I have recently been asked by a couple of people if I was angry with them. Had they done or said something wrong. I had no idea what they meant. I hadn't responded to calls or texts. Oh, I said no I was not mad or upset with them. I am fine. (Crack.) No really I am just busy. (Crackle, chunks falling off.)To be honest, I don't respond to most texts. And forget reaching me by phone. My dear friend anxiety and I don't accept phone calls where I have to actually speak to a person! It seems I am not the actress I thought I was. My, "I'm fine" facade is cracking. My inner trueness is showing through the cracks and gaps. You know what?  I AM angry. Not with these friends. I am angry with everyone. Everyone who still has their beloved family members, because mine are gone. Everyone who is going about their lives and I am stuck so deep in grief I can barely move. I am angry with my depression and anxiety that keep me from doing things. I am angry that there are days I can't get out of bed or leave my house. I am angry that all I can seem to do is work. At work I can forget everything. I am good at my job. I love to help people. My facade is complete there because they don't know me. They accept me as I present myself to them. They have their own life issues to deal with. I am there to listen to them when they need to talk about their life, loves and losses. I can truly empathize with them on many of these subjects. I can connect with them without any long term emotional investment. I hope I help them. If only I could help myself. I know that anger is part of the grieving process. I seem to be stuck in it right now. I apologize to all of those in my life because I don't see my way out any time soon. The facade is cracking and breaking. I hope I can hold it together before it all crashes away and I am left as nothing.

And Now We Are Three

My heart is broken. Again. Today I lost my oldest brother. I am so sick of cancer! But I will save that rant for another day. Being the youngest I have had some wonderful experiences with my older siblings. My brother Eddie was a brother and so much more. I was blessed to be included with him on his family outings with my sister in law and my nieces. Swimming, fishing, whatever. It was also wonderful to work with him. We spent many hours together in the office talking about everything. And laughing. Lots of laughter. I will remember him smiling and laughing. We had so much fun, even in the bad times. Always able to find humor in all things, whether appropriate or not. I have lost such a large part of me today. He taught me to drive a stick shift. Keeping calm as I sped toward a huge boulder. "Rock! Rock! Turn the wheel!!!!" Calmly. Deciding that it was enough for one day, we switched places. I still think he over reacted a bit, I mean we didn't hit the little rock. He was also a great friend to my husband. Hunting and fishing together. Working on the truck. Just talking. He was a big brother to him, too. We expect to lose our parents at some point. I never expected to lose a sibling! He was supposed to live forever. He was my BIG brother. He held the world on his shoulders for me. Always there to rescue me. No matter what his faults, he was perfect to me. Now there are the 3 of us. My sister and my brother and me. Just us. We will go on, we have to. We have our own families. We will stay close. But a big part of us is gone. So many memories. And now that is all I have. I will hold it all so close. Deep in my heart. I love you so much my dear brother. Goodbye for now.

Almost knocked out by my knockers

I suppose that is a little misleading. Technically still accurate. Yesterday I was getting ready for work. I was putting on my bra. My hair has a tendency to get in the way when I hook my bra. So I did this little head swing to flip my hair out of the way. In my head it was that TV and movies really sexy move. In my real world it lead to me slamming my head into the door jam. Hard enough to make me see stars for a moment. Cue laughing and crying. I am a walking sitcom sight gag. As I sat on my bed waiting for the room to stop spinning I wondered what would have happened if I had knocked myself out. How long would I lay there? What would the animals do? How long before the cats decided I was food? What if I was alone? Fortunately Hubby was home. I can imagine that 911 call. I can imagine the dispatcher, "you found your wife unconscious on the floor?" Imagine telling the responders what happened. I hit my own head trying to put my bra on. Yeah right. Sounds like the I walked in to a door response to a black eye question. I mean I did it and I would probably not believe it could happen to anyone else. Add this to the list of things that can only happen to me. You know all those things that your brain decides to remind you of at 2:00 am when you are attempting sleep. Like the time 2 male co-workers asked if I would like breakfast. My answer? "No thanks. My husband ate me out this morning." Although the look on their faces was priceless, it was mortifying! In my defense my answer was a mix up in my early morning addled brain of "No thank you I already ate. My husband made me breakfast this morning." Or my attempt at greeting a customer, instead of saying "Welcome. Can I help you find anything." I said, well actually I enthusiastically almost yelled, "HI! I can help you find all the things!" Yes this late night listing can go on and on. Believing I am singularly the most awkward person on the planet. Only that is not exactly true. You should check out thebloggess  post here: http://thebloggess.com/2015/11/awkwarding-is-what-brings-us-all-together/  I am not alone! In fact there are more of us that are awkward than there are "normals"! Laughing with others about their foibles is the best medicine. We are all awesome! Never forget that. In fact reading the post and the twitters I laughed so hard I snorted. In public. *sigh* I'm amazing in my awkwardness. Feel free to share your amazing awkwardness! Awkwards UNITE!

Crazy Neighborhood Lady

That would be me now. Sigh. It took a while, but I am sure the entire neighborhood is aware of my eccentricities. A normal evening after work for me is coming home, getting into comfy clothes, OK into my jammies, and amusing myself with one of my babies. This particular night my pastel ball python, Truman, was out and about with me. He was just hanging out on my arm in his usual spot. Normal for me to have one of my creatures spending quality time with me. I remembered I had left my Ipad in my car. Pink fluffy slippers on, check. Grab keys, check. Oliver, my special shih-tzu loves to go out with me to the car. He does this little hop-skip dance around, jumps inside the car and then comes back in the house with me. Braeden my other shih-tzu will go out and wander around. Stare at Oliver as if to say "really, just stop you are embarrassing us". On this night the dogs head out with me, I open car door to get the Ipad. Turn around and Oliver is skipping across the street to the gentlemen walking on the opposite side. Oliver loves everyone. EVERYONE. The gentlemen stopped and was petting him. I came traipsing across the street, yelling at Oliver and apologizing for him jumping on the guy. The gentlemen looks at me and then just takes off. Walking at a rapid pace. I didn't understand. These are 2 little dogs that were really just wanting to love on him. Oh well more pressing matters at hand, where did those snots scamper off to now? Still across the street and one house over. I am still yelling and now I am joined by Youngest. He is yelling at the dogs. I'm yelling at the dogs. I'm apologizing to the neighbors. Older man with younger lad working on their car in the driveway. They were looking at the dogs and us. I didn't hear what the older man said. The only light was a floodlight over the engine. I got close to him as Oliver was jumping on and running around his legs. Apparently, Oliver has coated himself in oil because he keeps slipping away. Youngest is not having a better time rounding up Braeden. The neighbors were not helping in any way. I was wondering why they didn't try to hold the dogs as they were jumping and bouncing at their feet. In fact they acted afraid. I am thinking, "seriously?! They are little dogs. They are not even barking!" Whatever. After a few more laps around the car and yard, we finally wrangled both dogs. I apologized again to the traumatized looking neighbors, and we headed into the street toward home. In the middle of the street I realized I still had Truman around my arm! I started to laugh very loudly. That is why the first guy took off so quickly when I got near him and why the neighbors were acting so scared and backing away. Backing away from ME not the little dogs yapping at their feet. Crazy lady in her jammies, pink fuzzy slippers and a little snake for a bracelet. Oh yeah I am a terrifying sight. It was so very comical to me. I continued to laugh all the way up to our front door. That is when Youngest realized what I was laughing about. "You had Truman this whole time?!" Yep I sure did. Great. Now I will be known as the crazy lady with the snake and the dogs who don't behave. Oh well now I can truly be me and not worry about what they all think of me any more. I will walk my lizards on their leashes right down the sidewalk. I will go check the mail with my snakes wrapped around my arm or wrist. I will take my chameleons out for some sun and relax in my chair on my front porch. In my comfy lounge wear. And pink fuzzy slippers. And I will not care. Well, I will care, but just a little. After all every neighborhood needs a colorful resident. I will be our neighborhood's eccentric.

Perception Vs Reality Existing in An Overly PC World

I have been quietly stewing over this for a few days now. OK so maybe not quietly, but stewing is correct. I was recently accused of being a racist who is also prejudiced against those with special needs. What? I mean seriously. Me? Racist? And against those who are handicapped in some way. Ridiculous, right? It happened at my place of employment. I am in retail. I love it. I really do. I love to interact with people. I am good at it. I have never had an issue like this before. It is all about perception. And people who are overly eager to see things as being against them in everything. I directed a couple of children to another register because I had clocked out and was already on my limited lunch time. YOU decided that my intention was to not deal with your children because of their color and disability. YOU decided that I had a problem with you and your children based on nothing but my directing them to another open register. NOT that I had said anything mean or with an attitude. NOT that I was rude or in any way disrespectful. Your perception was not reality in any way. You did not say anything to me or anyone in the store at that time. It was days later when a person came in to complain about my supposed slight to you and your family. Only the person complaining wasn't even you. A person who heard the story from you and your children came in to complain. Seriously? How is this an issue? How did it get to this? Fortunately my manager and just about everyone who has any interaction with me realized this was not in my nature. I wish I could have been there to talk to you in person. I wish I could have told you my side. The reality of what happened rather than someone's inaccurate perception.  It is possible that you have had to deal with people who have treated you and your children in this manner. I would like to think that it is the exception not the rule. How did we get to the point where we look to be offended and insulted? How did we become so PC that we can't even exist without being offended every time we turn around? Or have to worry that we are offending someone by merely existing, doing our job, shopping, or whatever we are doing during our daily interaction with others. What are you teaching your children? That EVERYONE is against them due to their color or disability? How is that a good thing? I have tried to teach my children that different is good and to embrace those differences. Not that their differences are a reason to look for things that people do or say to be offended by. I hope they have learned that people are people no matter what their color, beliefs, sexual identity, religion, or whatever and they are to be treated no differently. When did I become the exception? I refuse to go through my life walking on eggshells in case I offend someone inadvertently. I REFUSE. I will be me, just the same as I always have been. Friendly and welcoming to all I meet. If you see an ulterior motive or you perceive a slight that is on YOU. And I feel sorry for you, that seems like a very sad and angry way to go through life. I prefer my reality to yours.

Being MOM

My mother was my rock. She was the one I called when things were good and when things were bad. She was able to always make things right. No matter what the issue. Her wisdom was, to me, endless. Same goes for Daddy. But I called him for different things. Usually car related. Momma was the fixer of all things. Now that she is gone I have no one to call to make things all better. I am dealing with that reality. Today it dawned on me that she is not just gone but she has passed that baton on to me. My adult son called me with a problem. I immediately went into MOM mode and began to analyze for a solution. Speaking in the same calm voice I have heard on the other end of a phone line so many times. It was natural. Just automatic to be the voice of comfort. Using my experience that things are never as bad as we think and that things usually do work themselves out. Guiding him to the possible paths we need to take to fix things. Letting him vent and cry and rant. Staying calm when I really want to go and beat up the ones who are causing my baby pain. How many times did Momma feel this way? How many times did she stay calm on the phone with me only to fall apart after I hung up? How many times did she cry? I am now the voice of reason. I am now MOM. I mean I have always been mom. I have raised my boys, taught them, laughed with them, and loved them. It never occurred to me that I would be MOM. Momma was going to always be there for me to call for solutions. Just like when the boys were babies and I would call her for help with them. She always had the answer. The solution to all boo boos and issues. Now I have to be MOM and rely on my own answers. Fortunately she taught me well. I listened. I learned. I am MOM.

Games with Hubby

As people of "a certain age" Hubby and I have started to play a few new games. Our favorite lately is Guess What Hurts Today! Oh it is such fun. After hearing the alarm and playing Do I Snooze or Just Get Up, next up is Guess What Hurts. It is usually started with a guess depending on the activities of the previous day or 2. Let's see, I did extra gardening yesterday so my knees are gonna ache. (Moves legs). Yep that is painful. On his side of the bed Hubby is playing his version. Now the real fun begins. We get to play My Pain is Worse Than Yours. This starts with one of us making the comment of What Hurts Today. The other is required to then state their What Hurts Today. Now to see who can moan or sigh the most when attempting to get up. Bonus points are awarded for getting up and then immediately falling back to the bed in apparent agony. Oh what fun! We now play version 2.0 of Look At This. It is not the Look At This of cleaning the fridge fame. No, this is the new version where we show each other new oddities we have on our bodies. Mine are usually bruise related. His are lumps. That man gets bit by more things than anytime we went camping. OK stop laughing, I mean when he went camping. Like I camp. I seem to get bruised by breathing. Showing him my bruises are the result of my game of Where Did That Come From. Bruises, scratches and other skin anomalies show up on a regular basis. And they are not after some wild night of drinking or partying. OK stop laughing, it could happen. No it couldn't, like I drink and party. Bonus points are awarded in Look At This if the other contestant spots something before you do. Where did you get that?! This is followed by a blank stare while you try to figure out what it is and where you might have possibly have gotten it. I am usually unable to figure that one out. Not sure it that is a plus or minus in points. When we gather with our friends these can be played as teams or singles. Ah to go back to the good old days when we spent time talking about the important things in life such as when Jr. first pooped in the potty. Or when one of our cuties was in trouble. These things could be discussed for hours. Now we talk about noises our bodies make. And not the funny kind, nope the new ones that mimic a door that needs oiling. Groans, creaks and pops. I forgot to mention that these noises can influence the points in What Hurts Today. Now I need to go do some deep cleaning, the bathroom is a bit scary. Looking forward to multiple What Hurts Today for tomorrows round. Bonus points for me!